~Worry~

Today was my annual physical.  I went to my Dr.'s office to make sure my body is still doing well yet I had a few questions up my sleve for her.  After having a conversation this passed week with my friend, I wanted to ask specifically about my ability to remain pregnant.  The question of the day was my thyroid.  I wanted to know if it was out of whack and if it may be the reason why I can't remain pregnant. 

Before I had the chance to gather my thoughts, she was thumbing through my chart asking various questions about the past visits, how I've been doing.  Everything she covered was random stuff.  All of a sudden, she took off her glasses, slumped her shoulders and sat back in her chair and said, "Wait... what about the pregnancy?"  I welled up in tears.  I had no idea how raw I was still feeling about the subject.  I mean, I continue to miscarry but in the end, I create a game plan and try and try again.  Never had I any idea how much of a toll this was taking on me emotionally.  I made it through all of the questions and answers and even found out that she checked my thyroid in April... I am well.

I left the Dr.'s office and sat in the parking lot for a good hour.  I just sat.  Drove over to Starbucks and ordered a drink then out to the patio I walked.  When I called Josh, I nearly fell apart.  I can't help but feel like if there was something wrong, we could figure out how to fix it but I continually am told everything 'will be fine' and that I am 'so young' and have 'plenty of time to get pregnant'.  I should be overly excited and thankful for clean bills of health yet I'm torn and wish I could find out how to start our family.  I REALLY want a family. 

Last Sunday, Pastor Greg spoke about worrying and used scripture out of the book of Matthew, 6:25-34.

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?


28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

After my appointment, while sitting in the parking lot, I was thumbing through Twitter and came across Joyce Meyer's tweet.

"Worry is like rocking in a rocking chair all day. It keeps you busy but gets you nowhere. -Joyce"

My heart has been prepared for this day long before the sun rose.  He's talking to me.  =)

The moral of this story... No matter what life throws at me, I desire to remain in God's timing.  There isn't a single thing that I want or need more than that.  I believe one day Josh and I will have a family but for now, what is the worrying about my body and things that I can't control, going to do for me?  What will it benefit?  There is a time and a purpose for everything.  No matter what it is, I can rest in knowing that He has my back and wants what's best for me.  I need to keep my foot off of the gas pedal and stop speeding my way towards my desires and my timing. 

Until then... "Look(ing) at the birds."

~Forgiveness Isn't A Suggestion~

Today has been a particularly hard day... I began my day at Palm Valley Church, which isn't the hard part.  Our current series is entitled Rehab and this week we are covering forgiveness.  I walked in and the worship team was already singing so I quickly settled in and sang along to the beautiful songs of worship.  As we finished, we all sat down and during this series after the music, they have incorporated a lady speaking poetry.  Today she was speaking right along with Fernando singing Apologize.   It... was... AWESOME!  I mean, he sang the chorus and she would chime in during the verses, shouting things that were TEARING off the proverbial band-aids that covered my deepest wounds.  Scars were torn open and I felt pain of the past as if it had just happened.  Events from MANY years ago, as far back as my childhood that I had repressed for so many years, those scenes were flashing before my eyes and I, in a way, lived them all over again in just seconds.  The poetry was RAW.  She spewed the words that my heart once felt, yet never had the courage to say to people or that I just couldn't find the words back then.  She spoke about hate being such a strong word yet it was the only word she could use to describe her feelings towards this person she can't forgive nor is she willing to.

Here's the video from church that day.
I've been there.  If I'm at all honest with myself, I'm still there.  Recent events have forced me to look at myself and who I am not forgiving.  I had a fall out with someone very close to me over something I had done.  Granted, it was NOT supposed to turn out like it did, but it did.  Words were said that were so hurtful and once the dust settled, all I could think of was 'I'm not the one who said all of those things so I'm certainly not in the wrong.'  I pointed my proverbial finger at the person who hurt me yet I was unaware of the 3 fingers pointed back until I started reading a book about God's Grace.  I had selfish reasons to read that book as well because with us both being Christians, I wanted to understand what it truly meant to forgive so that I would allow myself some closure and know that I had acted appropriately in my actions and was off the hook.  As I read Andy Stanley's book, those fingers appeared like elephants in the room.  I couldn't have been more wrong in my feelings over the situation and I allowed months to go by without making things better. 

I have some work to do.  No matter what someone has done to me, it's my responsibility to forgive them; whether they forgive me or not.  It's not about them.  It's about me.

~What Inspires Me~

"Stop talking about your life. Nobody cares to hear about your story."

These were the words spoken to me over 10 years ago by someone I cared about.  It hurt to hear them but I actually listened and refrained from telling people about myself from then on.  I certainly wasn't much of a conversationalist regarding my personal life but still, small talk in very small quantities was all I offered.  Never mind the fact that I wasn't proud of my past.

My personal life took a hard left turn for a few years and I ended up punishing myself for all of the wrongs I had done.  Years later I came to a point in my life that decided I was going to put God first and get myself back on track.  It wasn't until I went on a women's retreat with my church that I had a complete eye opening experience.    The women who were selected to speak were ladies I already looked up to.  They are AMAZING women of God and I so badly wanted my Christian walk to mirror theirs.  I just didn't know to get past my own mistakes and failures.  I, for some reason, believed that the people who chose to follow God were blessed with the ability to always make the right decisions and never mess up.  I also believed that because I had messed up, there was no turning back.  I wasn't good enough for His forgiveness.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  The stories I heard at this retreat shook me to my core.  These amazing ladies took the microphone and one by one told their stories.  Story after story, they became unsung hero's to my heart.  Their bravery to cut back the layers of their lives in front of over 100 other women, who could end up scoffing and judging them, was empowering to me.  I NEVER would have imagined their life stories unfolding the way they did.  They became real.  Transparent.  They were like me.  They stumbled and fell just like I did.  The most important part was that they were changed and molded throughout their lives and they chose to rise above it all.  God gave them a story and they chose to share it.  I walked out 3 days later a different person.  It was there that I realized we are all hurting and it takes someone opening up about themselves, that we find strength and courage to face our struggles head on and find God's forgiveness through unspeakable pain.  

Yesterday I shared a post on my facebook that may have turned some heads.  After all, there were only about 5 people that I told about Josh and I being pregnant in the first place.  I have 2 purposes for posting such a private matter in such a public place:

1. People will pray with us and for us.
2. It brings others into our lives who have faced the same thing to help get us through.

Hours after posting, I opened my page and found messages in my inbox from friends who have faced the same thing.  One of them was a grade school girl friend of mine whom I called and talked to for over half an hour.  Our desire to have a family after waiting for Mr. Right, and the struggles we've faced in the process are unbelievably alike.  I know it's crazy to live my life in the open like I do but it's my choice to be transparent and share my struggles.   It helps me work through the things I need to and maybe help others along the way like I was inspired during the retreat. 

Josh and I have already had 2 failed pregnancies prior to this one and were hopeful this time would be different.  My pregnancy was 5-7 weeks along but we knew about it for just one week.  In that one week, I became overjoyed and in my heart of hearts, I believed that I would carry it to full term (so did my Dr.).    Unfortunately, it won't be the reality.  Yesterday our lab value took a turn and was 85% less than it should have been.  I still haven't miscarried, it's going to happen, we just don't know when.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your kind words of support and most importantly the prayers you've prayed and will pray.  We certainly need them.  Our future is in good hands and we truly are greatly blessed.  

One of my favorite verses:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Our prayer is that we may have a family some day but definitely only when the time is right. 

~So Close~

It's ironic that just 7 days ago, I blogged my thoughts about being pregnant, and now I'm I'm blogging about having another miscarriage.  I was so excited about the fact that i was going to be a mommy.  I never posted it because it was still so early and we weren't ready for that.  It has been such a whirlwind since we found out.  This pregnancy was not like the others, I was sure it was going to be a successful one. 

Until today.

~He is not here. He has risen and He is alive, just as He said He would be!~

John 20


The Empty Tomb

1Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!” 3So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus’ head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. 9(They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)

Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene

10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.  13They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”  ”They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.  15“Woman,” he said, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”  Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”  16Jesus said to her, “Mary.”  She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher).  17Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”  18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.

On the Sunday following Jesus’ crucifixion, Mary Magdalene came at daybreak to His tomb to anoint the body. She discovered that the large stone covering the entrance to the tomb had been rolled away. Mary hurried off to tell the disciples that Jesus’ body was no longer in the tomb. Peter and John came to investigate, with John arriving first and Peter entering the tomb first. They both discovered that Jesus’ grave clothes were there, but His body was gone. John’s response was belief, even though neither of them fully realized that Jesus’ resurrection was a fulfillment of Scripture.

After she returned to the grave site Mary Magdalene encountered Christ Himself, although she mistook Him for the gardener. While looking for the corpse of her Savior, Mary Magdalene recognized the risen Christ after He called her by name. He gave her the assignment of going back to the disciples and announcing His resurrection. Mary Magdalene fulfilled this task and related to them the words Jesus had spoken to her.

Jesus’ epitaph written on His tomb is not “Born—Died.” His spiritual epitaph reads, “He is not here. He has risen and He is alive, just as He said He would be!” Because He is alive, Jesus offers new life to all who believe in Him. This is the true meaning of Easter. This is what believers celebrate at Easter…..the empty tomb and Jesus’ victory over death. Praise GOD for the empty tomb of Jesus!