On a Hope and a Prayer

In the end of December, beginning of January, I called up a fertility Doc that was listed as a preferred provider within the Scottsdale Healthcare Network.  Josh and I were to go together, but he ended up having to work today.  Of course, not wanting to re-schedule (because I wanted to get this show on the road), I made the appointment sans Josh.

I waited in the waiting room for a while, because I was really early (I had no idea where they were located and gave plenty of time to find it), but I was called back into a room.  In this room, I met with the medical assistant who sat me on a table and took my vital signs.  When she was done, I gathered my things and went into a separate room, which I thought was odd being that I was in that room all of a nano second!

It was here that I met with the NP, who interviewed me for a moment and obtained my past medical history.  She had another NP (student) in the room with her, who was doing her clinical rotation for certification, and all she did was look down at her shoes and play footsie with herself (another odd moment).  Again, I gathered my things and went into the ultrasound room.  She told me she wanted to take a look at my ovaries to see how many eggs I had this month.  I questioned her because I was on Clomid, which increases the egg count, which would nullify the 'baseline' evaluation of the eggs that my ovaries are producing that she wanted.

I agreed after she told me how important it was for them to see...

I gathered my things and went into ANOTHER room, waiting for the Dr.

I gathered my things AGAIN and went across the hall to the Dr's office.

It was here that he was looking over all of the records and notes that I brought with me, and began to give me his opinion of the matter at hand... we were trying to get pregnant and have had 3 unsuccessful attempts.  He began explaining all of our evaluations and began talking about what we were facing.  I asked him if I could conference call Josh into the conversation so that I didn't have to try and explain all that he told me (which was TOO MUCH).  He was taken aback but agreed with my request.

Fast-forward to the final diagnosis:  "You more than likely will not be able to get pregnant the 'old fashioned way' because of what I see here", "you will need IVF which 40% of women hold the first attempt, 60% hold the second, and 80% hold the third attempt and carry to full term" and "each IVF attempt is roughly $10,000 + drugs and tests".

I gathered my things and went into his RN's office and spoke with her briefly as I KNEW this was not an option for Josh and I.  I had no questions for her as I was just told some of the WORST news I could have been told.

I can't have a baby?! Ever?!  What is WRONG with me?!?!

I gathered my things again, and went into the financial counsellor's office where the FIRST thing I see are "apply for credit" for this company and if that didn't work, "apply for THIS company".  It felt as if it was all about their financial gain in the worst time of my life.

I had nothing more to ask of anyone so this 'office stop' was also quick.  She went over some other out of pocket costs that I needed to be aware of for further testing (because the Dr. told us that we wasted our time with Dr. 'X' because their lab doesn't 'know how to properly read results') and we needed to repeat a road that was traveled a year prior.
 

I feel defeated... sad... devastated that my dreams of becoming a mommy are somehow fading... and then I saw these.  It was pictures that were on my facebook feed that reminds me that the ultimate physician is Jesus Christ, not the one that I just saw, who told me that I wouldn't be able to have a child without him giving it to me.

What a beautiful reminder...