Tuesday, August 9, 2011

~Worry~

Today was my annual physical.  I went to my Dr.'s office to make sure my body is still doing well yet I had a few questions up my sleve for her.  After having a conversation this passed week with my friend, I wanted to ask specifically about my ability to remain pregnant.  The question of the day was my thyroid.  I wanted to know if it was out of whack and if it may be the reason why I can't remain pregnant. 

Before I had the chance to gather my thoughts, she was thumbing through my chart asking various questions about the past visits, how I've been doing.  Everything she covered was random stuff.  All of a sudden, she took off her glasses, slumped her shoulders and sat back in her chair and said, "Wait... what about the pregnancy?"  I welled up in tears.  I had no idea how raw I was still feeling about the subject.  I mean, I continue to miscarry but in the end, I create a game plan and try and try again.  Never had I any idea how much of a toll this was taking on me emotionally.  I made it through all of the questions and answers and even found out that she checked my thyroid in April... I am well.

I left the Dr.'s office and sat in the parking lot for a good hour.  I just sat.  Drove over to Starbucks and ordered a drink then out to the patio I walked.  When I called Josh, I nearly fell apart.  I can't help but feel like if there was something wrong, we could figure out how to fix it but I continually am told everything 'will be fine' and that I am 'so young' and have 'plenty of time to get pregnant'.  I should be overly excited and thankful for clean bills of health yet I'm torn and wish I could find out how to start our family.  I REALLY want a family. 

Last Sunday, Pastor Greg spoke about worrying and used scripture out of the book of Matthew, 6:25-34.

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?


28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

After my appointment, while sitting in the parking lot, I was thumbing through Twitter and came across Joyce Meyer's tweet.

"Worry is like rocking in a rocking chair all day. It keeps you busy but gets you nowhere. -Joyce"

My heart has been prepared for this day long before the sun rose.  He's talking to me.  =)

The moral of this story... No matter what life throws at me, I desire to remain in God's timing.  There isn't a single thing that I want or need more than that.  I believe one day Josh and I will have a family but for now, what is the worrying about my body and things that I can't control, going to do for me?  What will it benefit?  There is a time and a purpose for everything.  No matter what it is, I can rest in knowing that He has my back and wants what's best for me.  I need to keep my foot off of the gas pedal and stop speeding my way towards my desires and my timing. 

Until then... "Look(ing) at the birds."