~Celebrating A New Me~

Beautiful Wheat Field

Life has a way of taking twists and turns, and sometimes a complete 180*, all without our consent.  We certainly aren't any exception to that rule.

With all of the changes I've gone through over the last 7 years or so; losing my home, ending my job with the fire department (which I truly didn't want to leave) and all THAT situation involved (not lacking incredible drama, the local Sheriff Department, and a lie detector test to strengthen and state my allegations are true to my fellow "brothers"), our financial difficulties (which is a whole-nutha-story), and now enduring the final stages of my career change/nursing school endeavors, I KNEW it was inevitable that an ulcer had claimed residency in my stomach that had yet to show it's ugly face.  I've had multiple issues over the past few years, most of which I blamed it on stress, diet, soaps, age, or whatever.  It wasn't until this year that things would eventually come to the point of "I don't care how much it costs, I'm getting this checked!"  Through tear filled eyes, I told my husband that it's one of two organs: My stomach or my pancreas, and I don't know which one it is.

On October 12th (I believe), I visited with one of the GI Nurse Practitioners that I work with.  I told her all about my symptoms and issues, as best I could, in relation to the abdominal pain.  She scheduled me for an EGD with the Dr.  On October 17th, I was admitted for said procedure and spoke with my physician about my symptoms before the anesthesiologist sent me to La-la land. Afterwards, the Dr. came in the recovery area telling us that there was no ulcer and that I have a hiatal hernia, other than that I was normal looking as can be. He told us that he took a biopsy in a random area and the results would be ready in a few days.  Once he left, I felt a little defeated.  I KNOW there is something going on in that area.  I KNOW that it's not an ulcer now.  I KNOW that I have to figure this out ASAP.  What in the world could it be?  A week went by and I ran into the NP at the elevator at work while she was making rounds on patients.  She told me that my results are in and is suggestive that I have Celiac Disease.  She told me that she'd catch up with me in the ICU as she was headed that way and I was going to grab lunch. 

Celiac disease...? What the heck is celiac disease?!?!

I started to look up the info on my phone and immediately found answers to a multitude of symptoms that I've had over the years, but the one thing that I couldn't stop paying attention to was miscarriages and infertility.  Josh and I have been going through numerous tests to find out why we haven't been able to start our family. We've had some answers but we've also been told that there's 'nothing wrong' with us and to 'keep trying'.  This diagnosis lends us so many answers! 



Once I had the opportunity to talk with the NP, she told me there are many issues with false positives and false negatives and that I needed to follow up with a blood test to check for antibodies.  She set me up to get the lab drawn which I had done the following Friday.  On October 24^th, she called me at work and told me that the results were in and that My IgG and IgA antibodies came back positive, but that it’s still not a definitive diagnosis.  She said that this shows that I may be gluten intolerant and not have full blown celiac disease but to know for sure, I would have to have another blood test, a TTG antibody screen.  If this comes back positive, it means that I am genetically predisposed for celiac disease.  On November 13th, my DNA test results were called to me.  Again, it was positive.  By this time, I was already eating gluten free for 3 weeks.  I felt AMAZING!  I had no idea how bad I was feeling until I felt GOOD!!  I had energy, the edema in my hands, face and legs were noticeably gone, the pain in my side was at a minimum, the itchy skin that I had was gone, the tooth sensitivity was gone and I could use my electric tooth brush again... I could go on and on but here's the thing: My Dr. told me that "in every aspect of medicine, be it cardiology, dermatology, endocrinology, psychology... there's a place for CD."  After reviewing this list, I can see that he's right!  Out of that list, I can say that I have dealt with or deal with 73 of these symptoms.  

73!! 

 Well, long story short, my purpose in sharing is this; 

 According to The University of Chicago Celiac Disease Center, today, one in 133 Americans have celiac disease. Because celiac disease runs in families, when someone is diagnosed with celiac disease it is a good idea for other members of the family to be tested to see if they are genetically at risk. If a person is diagnosed with celiac disease, the risk of developing celiac disease is one in 22 for other members of the celiac's immediate family. If your grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin is diagnosed with celiac disease the risk is one in 39.

Celiac disease may lay dormant or it could literally bring your knees to your chest in pain.  With it being genetic, I want my ENTIRE FAMILY to know what I've found out about myself!! I don't want ANYONE to feel like they're crazy like I did, going to my Dr's office for 4 YEARS complaining of abdominal pain without anything even remotely close to a diagnosis!! 
 

Literally, One Month After Diagnosis

I have found this, this, this, and this to be helpful to my Gluten Free ventures.  Some helpful books are this, this, and this. 

~Work In Progress~

God has been consistently tugging on my heart strings for the past few weeks and I've not had the slightest clue as to what it will be about.  It's an unsettled feeling, not in a bad way, just that you know something is changing in you but you can't-quite-put-your-finger-on-it kind of way.  Funny thing, it seems like it all started with my feelings over the whole Chick-fil-a debacle, and has continued because of the political discussions and tidbits that have followed and are posted all over social media websites for all to see on an almost daily basis.

People see things black and white.  I'm not a black and white kind of girl.  I live in a gray area, always have and always will.  Personally, I found that I was getting my feelings hurt by my friends, and some family members for that matter, by some of their postings, which had no regard for their readers and their feelings, that I began to look at myself in a different way.

What are my friends thoughts when they see my Facebook posts?

Are they understanding where I'm coming from because of the fact that they know me personally, or are they coming to a conclusion on their own of what they think I mean?

Are they reading my posts and judging me in a way that I didn't mean to be because I didn't elaborate further?

Do they think I'm judging them because of their views or actions?!?!  (Oh my gosh, no!) 

I began to wonder, what would my heavenly Father think of me by some of the posts that I put out there, when I'm CERTAIN that he wouldn't post the same comments had he have the opportunity to do so?  Am I showing Christ's love the way that I should?  Being a Christian, am I the example that I need to be for Jesus?  Am I bringing people closer to Christ when I appear to others as though I'm unaccepting of them or their views?  Well, thankfully I'm a work in progress and God's not done with me, yet!  I've started to dig deeper into who I am and learn to see and love people the way that Jesus would, regardless of how emotionally charged others around me were and how emotionally caught up I became and carelessly put my own opinions out there. 

Anyway, I attended a women's event at my church a month or so ago and signed up to do a Bible study.  I decided to go with a group who would be studying material from a different author than I'm familiar with, and also have the chance to hang out with my girlfriend from back in high school.  The study is about Nehemiah... completely unrelated to what I've just wrote about but unbelievably related to my here and now.  I'm continually in awe of how God works.  It's amazing how He puts you at a place in your life where He begins His work, stirs it up and little by little adding things such as a bible study or people or even comments on Facebook and other social media sites, to continue to open your eyes and challenge you in a new way.  A way that opens you up for so much more than you could have imagined.  A way that allows you to see things as maybe He would.  All in a way that only He can do!

I'm not saying that I shouldn't be passionate about some of the things that I've expressed these days.  I feel there are important issues at hand and I take my responsibilities very seriously; however, I choose to look outside of myself into the bigger picture and realize that there are more important things to spend my time and efforts on. Jesus says we need to love our neighbors.  That doesn't mean to love them only when they love me back, or have the same religious views, or have the same political views, or have the same color of skin, or sin different than I do.  My passion is being driven in a different direction and I couldn't be more thankful for that. Jesus loves me... and he loves you, too! 

Oh my gosh, I'm beside myself.

I'm ready Lord.  Change me.

~Part 3: To Move Or Not To Move, That Is The Question~

I worked as the paramedic on an ambulance out of a busy fire station.  My 'home' fire station was in an area where there were multiple units of apartment style living, assisted living and care home facilities along with condominiums and regular housing, which in my opinion equaled to about half of the population of the fire district.  Our particular station was responsible for these facilities and homes, which was also called our 'first due' area.  We were well into the winter season where a lot of retiree's retreat from the snow to the sun.  All of these factors helped my partner, who I'll call Sam, come to the decision that he and I should put in for the 2 ambulance openings at what was called, the 'Vacation Station'.  There, the crews ran less than half of the calls we were accustomed to. 

For a moment, I thought it was a good idea.  I had spent my first year at one fire station and the next 5 at the fire station we were currently assigned to.  It was time for a break.  The 2 open positions were to be posted for one week and the spots would be filled based off of seniority.  By the time I really thought it out, I realized it was not a good idea because there was someone on the receiving crew that I didn't want to work with on an every day basis.  I spent the next 2 weeks trying to change Sam's mind by bringing up anything positive about our station.  I brought up the fact we had a newly renovated station, all new gym equipment, a decent crew and many other things.  Every time we spoke about it he told me to stop being crazy and put in for the position before it was closed.  We were a good crew, he and I.  We were put together over a year prior so we wanted to stay together.  We were a packaged deal.  We go together.

What Sam had no idea about was a 3 year history that I never spoke about.  In fact, there were only 2 people who knew anything that happened during that time.  My partner and my Captain at the time.

I have spent a total of 15 years in and around the fire service.  I've had many great people place me under their wings and teach me how to excel at what had become a real passion, taking care of people in an emergency situation.  The fire service is a male dominating field.  I had learned what it takes to survive and I knew what happened to people who spoke up about what I was mum about.  It wasn't a gamble I was willing to take.  So, I just stayed quiet... Until the crossroad.

Part 2~ Do You Really Trust Me?

There are moments in my life when I can look back and think, "Now I know why I had to go through that."  No matter how hard the lesson was, I've had the privilege to see the other side in some situations.  I want to tell you just how this story REALLY began.

I was 25 years old who had every thing I thought I wanted.  I was engaged to be married.  We had his house to move into and I had a great job that I loved.  There was just one thing.  One really BIG thing.  We weren't meant to stay together.  Before I knew it, it was all gone.  After everything I had been through, I was very down on myself, but I still had my job.  I felt so empty and lost.  All I did is wonder what was next.  I had no real financial issues and my cousin, whom I lived with, told me she and her husband were moving in with his parents and decided to build a house.  I desperately wanted to own my own piece of this world.  I too wanted a home. 

In 10 short months, one was built just for me.

I orchestrated every part of this home.  I picked the size of the lot. Where I wanted it to be.  The style of home, colors, cabinets, floor.... everything. 

I LOVED coming home.  It may have been empty because I owned NOTHING... but it was MY home.

I felt safe.

I was the Queen of my castle.  I even had a turret!

Shortly after, I decided to open up a credit line to buy furniture... so I had a place to sit.

Then I decided to get a Home Equity Line of Credit... so I could consolidate my debt.

Then I decided to buy a new Chevy Tahoe... because I had to get the ex's name off the other vehicle loan.

Then I used 2 credit cards to the max... because I couldn't afford everything.

Then I was never home... because I couldn't pay for anything.

I ended up working 5 jobs at one time to keep myself from being financially strapped.  I mean, I already WAS strapped but as long as I worked all those extra hours, I had some room to breathe.  My only rule... I will not work the entire weekend.  I HAD to keep a day off to go to my Church and I wanted to keep working with the K-5th grade kids in Sunday School every 3rd weekend.  It wasn't very long after, I had a few roommates.  Things were alright for a minute.  I was able to relax some. 

Next thing I knew, I wasn't able to get the extra rent money.  I had even bigger bills with more people in the house.  I ended up working every single moment I could because I didn't want to lose my house, it was all that I had.  I stopped working with the kids at the church because I broke my own rule.  I wasn't in church but once in a few months.  I kept crying out to God to rescue me from what I had put myself under, but what I was also praying for, was to keep it all in the long run.  I finally surrendered myself to Him and His plan.  No matter what, I would listen.

Then it happened.  I lost my house. 

I was devastated. 

What I learned from this particular lesson was that no matter how much I wanted to keep my home, God had other plans for me.  I can work myself to the bone to MAKE something happen and it may happen... but God's plan isn't always my plan.  When I finally learned to fully trust in Him, He placed me where HE wanted me and gave me a new start. 

It was a relief.  I sat in an empty rental and thought... WOW!  You DID hear me.  You DID answer my prayers.

You DO love me!!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

I finally learned how to sit still.... to listen.... to trust in Him... alone.

I had no idea how I would be tested in my new relationship with Christ...  "Do you REALLY trust me?"

Part 3~ To Move Or Not To Move

Part 1 ~One Amazing Lesson~

I ran into a familiar face last night while dropping off a patient at Banner Estrella.  I saw her from behind and even though it's been quite a while, I knew it had to be her.  I came around the Nurses station and said hello.  It was great to see her.  Even though we go to the same church, her daughter was in my cabin at summer camp and I used to work with her husband, it's been forever since I've seen her.  She was always very sweet and kind to me.  Every time we ran into each other she would smile and sometimes hug me, just like last night.

I was very excited to see her.  After the hello's and quick catching up women do in the first 45 seconds, I was overcome with thoughts that I couldn't shake...

"What does she think of me now?" 

"What has she been told?" 

"Should I have marched my butt to the ambulance and never said anything?"

November 27, 2008 was when my life was turned upside down.  It all happened in just one phone call.  I was faced with an impossible future.  One that I had done a good job of avoiding... until now.  I had no idea what would come of me but I was certain that I wouldn't go down without a fight.

I had no idea it would almost take me out for good.

As we continued our conversation I learned that she's had a rough few months.  I don't know the details, but I do know this... God won't place you anywhere that He won't pull you through. 

It was during this trial of life that I drew unbelievably close to my Heavenly Father.  Lately I've been overwhelmed with the feeling of documenting all that he's done in my life.  Keeping His amazing lesson tucked away in my heart won't help anyone face their Goliath.  I believe now is the time to talk about it. 

Part 2: Do You Really Trust Me?

~What Is Your Focus?~

S ~ 1 Peter 1:24-25  For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."

O ~ Peter reminds us that everything that is of human nature will wither and die. Nothing in this life stays as it is.  The food we eat, the bodies we wear, the emotions we have.  It's all temporary.  What is more important than anything?  It's preparing my heart and soul for his return.  That's when all of this matters.  What have I done to prepare myself for judgement day?  What will I bring that shows that I deserve a place beside him in eternity?  Have I won others to Christ?  Have I lived a life that was pleasing to him?   Was my focus where it needed to be?

A ~ I've bent over backwards to prove myself in ways that were less than christian like because my focus was for people to like me, not necessarily for who I was, but who I could become.  Everything that has meant so much to me and has been the greatest and hardest of lessons; losing my home, loss of relationships, loss of jobs, friendships, reputations; all of these things will one day come to an end and will have meant nothing.  I've never viewed it in this context...  I should care less of people's opinions and more of what God's purpose is for me.

P ~ Father, Thank you for your living word, that I may have the opportunity to change the way that I am for your glory.  Help me to remember that it is not here that I live for, but to live in eternity with you.  I pray that I lead a life desirable to you, so that others may choose to follow you and not for my own benefit.  Thank you for loving me for all that I am, even when I don't deserve it.  Amen

~Reflections~

I have had a lot of people ask me lately about my life story. 

'I didn't know you were a Christian'.

'What made you choose this life'. 

How God captured me. 

but the biggest question is, 'Why have you changed'.

I guess I have changed.  I never realized it was so obvious but then again, I suppose I've been an 'undercover Christian.'  The biggest change in my life has been that I'm no longer afraid of what people think about me.  I used to be obsessed with fitting in with the crowd.  People always told me I was weird because I didn't know how to 'have fun' and it left me searching for a more 'normal' life. 

I wouldn't change a thing...

Stay tuned; I'm going to try and blog it all.  I believe it's a great story and I hope you like it too. =)