"Stop talking about your life. Nobody cares to hear about your story."
These were the words spoken to me over 10 years ago by someone I cared about. It hurt to hear them but I actually listened and refrained from telling people about myself from then on. I certainly wasn't much of a conversationalist regarding my personal life but still, small talk in very small quantities was all I offered. Never mind the fact that I wasn't proud of my past.
My personal life took a hard left turn for a few years and I ended up punishing myself for all of the wrongs I had done. Years later I came to a point in my life that decided I was going to put God first and get myself back on track. It wasn't until I went on a women's retreat with my church that I had a complete eye opening experience. The women who were selected to speak were ladies I already looked up to. They are AMAZING women of God and I so badly wanted my Christian walk to mirror theirs. I just didn't know to get past my own mistakes and failures. I, for some reason, believed that the people who chose to follow God were blessed with the ability to always make the right decisions and never mess up. I also believed that because I had messed up, there was no turning back. I wasn't good enough for His forgiveness. I couldn't have been more wrong. The stories I heard at this retreat shook me to my core. These amazing ladies took the microphone and one by one told their stories. Story after story, they became unsung hero's to my heart. Their bravery to cut back the layers of their lives in front of over 100 other women, who could end up scoffing and judging them, was empowering to me. I NEVER would have imagined their life stories unfolding the way they did. They became real. Transparent. They were like me. They stumbled and fell just like I did. The most important part was that they were changed and molded throughout their lives and they chose to rise above it all. God gave them a story and they chose to share it. I walked out 3 days later a different person. It was there that I realized we are all hurting and it takes someone opening up about themselves, that we find strength and courage to face our struggles head on and find God's forgiveness through unspeakable pain. Yesterday I shared a post on my facebook that may have turned some heads. After all, there were only about 5 people that I told about Josh and I being pregnant in the first place. I have 2 purposes for posting such a private matter in such a public place:
- People will pray with us and for us.
- It brings others into our lives who have faced the same thing to help get us through.
Hours after posting, I opened my page and found messages in my inbox from friends who have faced the same thing. One of them was a grade school girl friend of mine whom I called and talked to for over half an hour. Our desire to have a family after waiting for Mr. Right, and the struggles we've faced in the process are unbelievably alike. I know it's crazy to live my life in the open like I do but it's my choice to be transparent and share my struggles. It helps me work through the things I need to and maybe help others along the way like I was inspired during the retreat.
Josh and I have already had 2 failed pregnancies prior to this one and were hopeful this time would be different. My pregnancy was 5-7 weeks along but we knew about it for just one week. In that one week, I became overjoyed and in my heart of hearts, I believed that I would carry it to full term (so did my Dr.). Unfortunately, it won't be the reality. Yesterday our lab value took a turn and was 85% less than it should have been. I still haven't miscarried, it's going to happen, we just don't know when.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your kind words of support and most importantly the prayers you've prayed and will pray. We certainly need them. Our future is in good hands and we truly are greatly blessed.
One of my favorite verses:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Our prayer is that we may have a family some day but definitely only when the time is right.
