~Forgiveness Isn't A Suggestion~

Today has been a particularly hard day... I began my day at Palm Valley Church, which isn't the hard part.  Our current series is entitled Rehab and this week we are covering forgiveness.  I walked in and the worship team was already singing so I quickly settled in and sang along to the beautiful songs of worship.  As we finished, we all sat down and during this series after the music, they have incorporated a lady speaking poetry.  Today she was speaking right along with Fernando singing Apologize.   It... was... AWESOME!  I mean, he sang the chorus and she would chime in during the verses, shouting things that were TEARING off the proverbial band-aids that covered my deepest wounds.  Scars were torn open and I felt pain of the past as if it had just happened.  Events from MANY years ago, as far back as my childhood that I had repressed for so many years, those scenes were flashing before my eyes and I, in a way, lived them all over again in just seconds.  The poetry was RAW.  She spewed the words that my heart once felt, yet never had the courage to say to people or that I just couldn't find the words back then.  She spoke about hate being such a strong word yet it was the only word she could use to describe her feelings towards this person she can't forgive nor is she willing to.

Here's the video from church that day.
I've been there.  If I'm at all honest with myself, I'm still there.  Recent events have forced me to look at myself and who I am not forgiving.  I had a fall out with someone very close to me over something I had done.  Granted, it was NOT supposed to turn out like it did, but it did.  Words were said that were so hurtful and once the dust settled, all I could think of was 'I'm not the one who said all of those things so I'm certainly not in the wrong.'  I pointed my proverbial finger at the person who hurt me yet I was unaware of the 3 fingers pointed back until I started reading a book about God's Grace.  I had selfish reasons to read that book as well because with us both being Christians, I wanted to understand what it truly meant to forgive so that I would allow myself some closure and know that I had acted appropriately in my actions and was off the hook.  As I read Andy Stanley's book, those fingers appeared like elephants in the room.  I couldn't have been more wrong in my feelings over the situation and I allowed months to go by without making things better. 

I have some work to do.  No matter what someone has done to me, it's my responsibility to forgive them; whether they forgive me or not.  It's not about them.  It's about me.