Thursday, February 28, 2013

Confessions of an Online Student


I graduated from Buckeye Union High School (GO HAWKS!) with a 3.6 GPA.  It had never occurred to me to search for scholarships outside of athletic ones, which my senior year knee injury took away any chances of THAT happening. My parents never even spoke to me about college or how to get there once I graduated.  Why, you ask?  I have no idea.  Maybe because of the fact that at the time, no one in my family had gone to college.  I did, however, take college classes my senior year.

I have since worked hard to become something great.  I led my class academically in my EMT class and the Fire Academy, worked my BUTT off to bring my *curved* grade up to a 'B' (at a 92%) in Paramedic School and have maintained a 3.4 GPA in college (I slacked off right out of HS and it still counts on the ole record...)

Fast forward to my current nemesis... Nursing school.  Trying to maneuver my online classes are about ready to break me down and make me lose my ever lovin' mind!!

I won't even get too nit-picky as I'm just an emotional WRECK these days as I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to finish my modules (ALL of them) by the fall of this year.  It's a goal that is a hefty one, but, I believe, an absolutely doable one.

Today, while talking with academic support, I was notified of a few *unknown to me* rules, regulations, and laws that the university has.  These 'laws' have changed the course of my set goals and has this (trying to be) structured girl in a TIZZY! 

I have yet to take an exam because I am struggling to wrap my mind around exactly what they're looking for.  Sitting in a classroom, you have the opportunity to learn about your instructors, their teaching style and their hints as to what to study for.  Some instructors give you an idea of what's going to be expected of you to know for the test and others keep it a secret.  I've had both styles and have survived nicely.  I've always said that my paramedic instructor wanted people to fail the class and took pride in the fact that she had a DARN good program that "not everyone will finish".  I swear, a small island somewhere sunk into the ocean as the weight of the test papers landed on my desk at exam time.  "Either you knew it or you didn't" was her motto.  Plain and simple.

This program structure, for me, feels so foreign.  There's SO much information and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what I actually HAVE to remember! Seriously!  Do I NEED to memorize every frickin' page?  Cause it feels like I do!!  ...and by the way, HOW DO YOU DO THAT?  I really want to know because THIS GIRL WILL FINISH what she's started!!

Things I should have been told from the get-go...

"You can't request the funds (that I've already PAID for) to be released to you prior to finishing EVERY CHAPTER QUIZ"

"The funds will take at least 3 weeks to be processed and sent to you before you can register for the test"

"If you fail the exam, you have to pay an additional $300.00 to sit for it again"

"Oh, one more thing, if you fail the exam, not only do you have to pay the $300.00, you have to WAIT an additional REQUIRED 60 DAYS prior to registering for the exam again"
Uh... no pressure...

What was I thinking?!?!

My point?  I've never felt so inept in a college course before!  This SUCKS!!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

It's a LOVE Story, Baby, Just Say 'YES'!




4 years ago tonight, I was out on a date with someone I had met through an online service. This guy was very nice but not at all my type (go figure). We went to dinner and then ended up at Starbucks by 6:15, but he had a meeting to be at by 7.

6:50 rolls around and I look up and see a familiar face, a long time friend of mine, who I had met at a CPR Instructor Training class 10 years prior. He waves 'hi', says a few words, gathers his drink and out the door he walked. I admit, I was sad for the missed opportunity.

My 'date' and I walked out the door and what do I see?! My friend is sitting at a table reading a book.

I let my 'date' walk me to my car (because I didn't want to be rude), where I sat and called my mom while waiting for him to drive off. Once out of sight, I hung up the phone, gathered a few bucks, walked in and ordered a drink and went to the table and asked, "would you mind some company?"



6 hours later, still at the same table, I decided it was time to go home (I had to work the next day). We had exchanged numbers and said we'd meet up again in the near future.

It was only 2 days...

The rest, as they say, is history.

What a blessing you are to me, Josh. I love you more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea. I couldn't have dreamed up a better friend, husband and soulmate for myself. You are my everything. I love you to the moon and back. XOXOXOXO



Monday, February 18, 2013

Psalm 37:4







For as long as I can remember, back in my early childhood, I've always dreamed of being a mother.  I wanted to love a child like no child has ever been loved.  I wanted to show them things that I never had the opportunity to see.  I wanted to give them things that I never had.

Of all the things in life we could be, the only thing I've known for certain, is that I want to be a Mommy.

For reasons unknown, it has yet become a reality in the Jones' home.  We've suffered 4 pregnancy losses, the most recent one, Valentines Day, 2013.  Heartbroken and devastated, we've tried to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that when God wants us to have a baby, He will allow us to.

Easier said than done.  Especially when we've had the opportunity to become pregnant let alone suffer the loss.  My heart has been broken in ways that I've never known possible.  I still grieve the loss of my first pregnancy, August, 2010; my second pregnancy, October 2010; and my third pregnancy, February 2011.  I can say this, it doesn't get any easier.





A few years ago, I suffered many losses.  It was in the form of friendships and my career, and among that, a few other things.  I had no idea how I was going to get through that chapter of my life.  It was then that I spent much of my time reading about how others dealt with their pain and problems.  I found such comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone; regardless of the fact that I didn't know them, nor did they know me.  I also found comfort in writing my story.  I don’t proclaim to be good at it nor do I want to stand here and come off as though I’m looking for attention because of my struggles.  I share my story because I believe that everyone has one, and maybe one of these days, my story will encourage someone else.

God gives us our story… it’s up to us to share it and give Him the glory.


I started to document this pregnancy for me, for my future child, and my family.  I have previously refrained from this because I didn't want to look back at relive the pain that it caused.  Then this pregnancy came along.  I had hopes that it would be the first time that I would carry to full term and I wanted to be able to show my child all of the things we thought along the way.  Even though we lost this baby, I wanted to share our journey with you.  It's a short journey, we only KNEW we were pregnant for 10 days... and what a roller-coaster ride it was.  We ended up making it to 6 weeks and 4 days.  




The bottom line for me is this:  God knows what's best for me.  He knew what was best long before my first dream of being a mother.  He numbered my days and planned out how my life would go long before my very first breath.  He gave me the desire to be a mother and I believe that one day my dream will come true. Until then, I trust in Him.


Psalm 37
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.


 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.





Wednesday, February 13, 2013

At a Loss for Words


 Today is another lab draw day.  

Last night, after digesting the news of the low numbers, I decided to look up stories of other women who had 'slow to rise' HCG levels.  I am incredibly encouraged to find MANY!  Women who said that their numbers didn't jump until the 9th week of pregnancy, who hadn't had a fetal sac or a fetus seen on ultrasound at 8 weeks, or who had been told they're miscarrying only to find out that they were in fact carrying a healthy baby I was searching for anything to remain positive and not get into the mindset that all is doom and gloom.  I am cautiously optimistic heading into work and having my labs drawn.  Here's to a MAJOR jump!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Still Holding Out for a Miracle


This weekend was a L-O-N-G one. I have no idea how to feel. I'm cautiously optimistic but I believe in my God and the fact that he is still in the healing business, a miracle maker, AND the ultimate physician. I've spent so much time reading threads of women who have posted their stories of early pregnancies. Of course, just like my Dr. said, the information points me in three different directions: ectopic, miscarriage, and normal pregnancies. Hopefully today I see a SKYROCKET of numbers.

aaaaand it was 660.

I had a conversation with my Dr. for almost half an hour as she told me the 'bad' news. I am tearful and hurt to say the least. Mostly, I am devastated. She also discussed with me that she wanted to run more blood tests on me to find out if I have a chromosome issue that is causing this, as well as a liver function panel, renal function panel, and a complete blood count to evaluate my candidacy for the Methotrexate shot. She explained to me that it works as a cancer drug that destroys 'abnormally fast growing cells' that would in turn cause me to miscarry. This news has me floored. I've done everything I could possibly do to become pregnant, telling me that I may have to end it for my safety is not setting well with me. I've never imagined this type of scenario playing out.

Josh had his paramedic refresher today and I told him the news while he was on his way home. At this point, we're feeling more like this pregnancy is doomed and have gone through many emotions. Tonight is an especially hard day for the both of us.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.


Thursday, February 7, 2013

~Too Much Work~


Last night was frightening.  I got home from work at a quarter 'til 2, laid down and immediately began to have incredible abdominal pain.  Let me tell you what... GOOGLE is not your friend!  By the time I put my phone down, I was convinced I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, all the while, trusting it to be THE worst gas pains I've ever experienced!  I'm not sure when, but one of these days I'll relax and let things just happen. 
 
I woke up and all seemed OK.  Today is day 4 that I've known to be pregnant, a week and a day if I was a patient woman to correctly read my previous pregnancy tests... it's the furthest I've ever been.  This is good news!  Today is also the day that I get my HCG level tested from the 314 that I had on Wednesday.  I'm hoping for a 628 or greater!! 
 
Well... My number was 476.  Not at all what I was expecting but it IS traveling in the 'right' direction...  My Dr. called me about an hour and a half after my lab draw and discussed my value with me.  She is afraid it is one of 4 things... an ectopic pregnancy, an impending miscarriage, a chromosomal abnormality or a 10% chance that it would be a normal pregnancy.  Unfortunately, my history leads her to believe that it's one of the first two, although I've never had an ectopic pregnancy before.  
 
She has me scheduled for another blood draw on Monday.




Wednesday, February 6, 2013

~This is Concerning~






I called off today. 
 I thought about my day and after lying down for the night, it wasn't until then that my 'discomfort' started to fade away. I woke up and called my Dr. to see if I could get in to see her and luckily I was able to score a 10:40 appointment. I called work and let them know I wouldn't be in. 
I was really excited to let Dr. Shaw know about the pregnancy as we've seen her pretty much the whole year last year in hopes of finding answers to our issues with getting pregnant. Prior to seeing her we were told that we were "young" and "nothing is wrong, it just takes some time for some people." That wasn't good enough for me... something wasn't right. We had never known we were pregnant for more than 48 hours. Each time led to a miscarriage and incredible heartbreak. Today is 48 hours... We've made it farther along than before!!
I show up at the Dr. office and left a sample for them to test. When Dr. Shaw came into the room, she said, "Well, THIS is the BEST news of the day!" It was refreshing to hear her so excited. I sat there telling her the story of this particular pregnancy starting from the 4th dose of clomid to the dates of ovulation and the test... her face was telling me that she wasn't very pleased with the information that I was telling her. She then told us that based on what I've said, she would expect to see a 'brighter' line and that this is not looking to be good news. She wasn't totally saying this was bad but I left the office incredibly worried.

 I went in for my first HCG level.  It came back at 314.  Totally low but Dr. Shaw wants to see what the numbers do in 2 days.

Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, and whatever I can cross until then.