Still Holding Out for a Miracle

This weekend was a L-O-N-G one. I have no idea how to feel. I'm cautiously optimistic but I believe in my God and the fact that he is still in the healing business, a miracle maker, AND the ultimate physician. I've spent so much time reading threads of women who have posted their stories of early pregnancies. Of course, just like my Dr. said, the information points me in three different directions: ectopic, miscarriage, and normal pregnancies. Hopefully today I see a SKYROCKET of numbers.

aaaaand it was 660.

I had a conversation with my Dr. for almost half an hour as she told me the 'bad' news. I am tearful and hurt to say the least. Mostly, I am devastated. She also discussed with me that she wanted to run more blood tests on me to find out if I have a chromosome issue that is causing this, as well as a liver function panel, renal function panel, and a complete blood count to evaluate my candidacy for the Methotrexate shot. She explained to me that it works as a cancer drug that destroys 'abnormally fast growing cells' that would in turn cause me to miscarry. This news has me floored. I've done everything I could possibly do to become pregnant, telling me that I may have to end it for my safety is not setting well with me. I've never imagined this type of scenario playing out.

Josh had his paramedic refresher today and I told him the news while he was on his way home. At this point, we're feeling more like this pregnancy is doomed and have gone through many emotions. Tonight is an especially hard day for the both of us.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

~Too Much Work~

Last night was frightening.  I got home from work at a quarter 'til 2, laid down and immediately began to have incredible abdominal pain.  Let me tell you what... GOOGLE is not your friend!  By the time I put my phone down, I was convinced I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, all the while, trusting it to be THE worst gas pains I've ever experienced!  I'm not sure when, but one of these days I'll relax and let things just happen. 

 

I woke up and all seemed OK.  Today is day 4 that I've known to be pregnant, a week and a day if I was a patient woman to correctly read my previous pregnancy tests... it's the furthest I've ever been.  This is good news!  Today is also the day that I get my HCG level tested from the 314 that I had on Wednesday.  I'm hoping for a 628 or greater!! 

 

Well... My number was 476.  Not at all what I was expecting but it IS traveling in the 'right' direction...  My Dr. called me about an hour and a half after my lab draw and discussed my value with me.  She is afraid it is one of 4 things... an ectopic pregnancy, an impending miscarriage, a chromosomal abnormality or a 10% chance that it would be a normal pregnancy.  Unfortunately, my history leads her to believe that it's one of the first two, although I've never had an ectopic pregnancy before.  

 

She has me scheduled for another blood draw on Monday.

~This is Concerning~

I called off today. 

 I thought about my day and after lying down for the night, it wasn't until then that my 'discomfort' started to fade away. I woke up and called my Dr. to see if I could get in to see her and luckily I was able to score a 10:40 appointment. I called work and let them know I wouldn't be in. 

I was really excited to let Dr. Shaw know about the pregnancy as we've seen her pretty much the whole year last year in hopes of finding answers to our issues with getting pregnant. Prior to seeing her we were told that we were "young" and "nothing is wrong, it just takes some time for some people." That wasn't good enough for me... something wasn't right. We had never known we were pregnant for more than 48 hours. Each time led to a miscarriage and incredible heartbreak. Today is 48 hours... We've made it farther along than before!!

I show up at the Dr. office and left a sample for them to test. When Dr. Shaw came into the room, she said, "Well, THIS is the BEST news of the day!" It was refreshing to hear her so excited. I sat there telling her the story of this particular pregnancy starting from the 4th dose of clomid to the dates of ovulation and the test... her face was telling me that she wasn't very pleased with the information that I was telling her. She then told us that based on what I've said, she would expect to see a 'brighter' line and that this is not looking to be good news. She wasn't totally saying this was bad but I left the office incredibly worried.

 I went in for my first HCG level.  It came back at 314.  Totally low but Dr. Shaw wants to see what the numbers do in 2 days.

Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, and whatever I can cross until then.

~Need to Slow Down~

Today is a work day. I was scheduled for a 12.5 hour shift and worked all day. Being on the unit, walking around, pushing beds is a tough task for anyone. I was keeping my secret safe and did my job. 

Little did I know that I was WAY overdoing it. Tonight, just prior to the end of my shift, after taking up my 8th or 9th patient to the floor, I noticed my stomach was not feeling right. It wasn't exactly pain, just discomfort on the left side. Worried, I talked to my supervisor and let her know that I needed to do lighter work and she scolded me for not saying something earlier... I just don't want to jinx our luck. 

Tomorrow, I'm working the desk. This allows me to sit rather than walk over 7 miles. =0) 

Not a bad thing...

~What a Surprise!~

Today is the most surprising day EVER! I was sitting on the couch thinking of all the things I've had going on for this last month or so. I've begun clean eating by using Isagenix and have had an 18lb weight loss from my efforts. I feel wonderful! I've also just realized that it's been 21 days since my ovulation. It's about 1:30 in the afternoon and I decide to take a pregnancy test.

As I'm sitting in the bathroom, door closed, I feel like I'm sneaking around with a crazy secret! Had Josh come into the bedroom at any time, I'd have thrown myself against the door forbidding him to enter! It was about 2 minutes into the wait and I saw it... a faint vertical line! I got so overwhelmed and nervous that my heart began POUNDING out of my chest. I gathered my test and slipped it into my sweatshirt pocket and hightailed it towards the living room.

I found Josh standing in the kitchen eating a fruit cup. I came around the bar and stood there with a Cheshire cat smile on my face.

 He looked and me and said, "What?"

 I said, "noooothiiiiing," all the while trying to think of a creative way to tell him.

 I rounded the kitchen bar and stood in front of him, I grabbed his hand and placed it on my neck and asked if he could feel my pulse.

"Uh, YEAH...? What's up?"

I pulled the test from my pocket and said, "LOOK"

Josh just looked at me, put up his index finger and said "hold on a sec" and tipped back the remainder of the fruit cup.

I thought, "HEY!! LOOK AT THIS! FORGET THE CUP!"

He kept looking at the test, which by now had a definite line but it was still slightly faint. I kept telling him, "This is POSITIVE! The test is POSITIVE!"

Josh was literally beside himself. With our previous pregnancy history, it's incredibly hard to be excited and let our guard down. I understand this defense mechanism completely; however, I couldn't contain my excitement.

 Every 5 minutes or so I'd say, "Hey! Guess what? We're PREGNANT!" It was a fun day! =0) What a NICE surprise!