~Need to Slow Down~

Today is a work day. I was scheduled for a 12.5 hour shift and worked all day. Being on the unit, walking around, pushing beds is a tough task for anyone. I was keeping my secret safe and did my job. 

Little did I know that I was WAY overdoing it. Tonight, just prior to the end of my shift, after taking up my 8th or 9th patient to the floor, I noticed my stomach was not feeling right. It wasn't exactly pain, just discomfort on the left side. Worried, I talked to my supervisor and let her know that I needed to do lighter work and she scolded me for not saying something earlier... I just don't want to jinx our luck. 

Tomorrow, I'm working the desk. This allows me to sit rather than walk over 7 miles. =0) 

Not a bad thing...

~What a Surprise!~

Today is the most surprising day EVER! I was sitting on the couch thinking of all the things I've had going on for this last month or so. I've begun clean eating by using Isagenix and have had an 18lb weight loss from my efforts. I feel wonderful! I've also just realized that it's been 21 days since my ovulation. It's about 1:30 in the afternoon and I decide to take a pregnancy test.

As I'm sitting in the bathroom, door closed, I feel like I'm sneaking around with a crazy secret! Had Josh come into the bedroom at any time, I'd have thrown myself against the door forbidding him to enter! It was about 2 minutes into the wait and I saw it... a faint vertical line! I got so overwhelmed and nervous that my heart began POUNDING out of my chest. I gathered my test and slipped it into my sweatshirt pocket and hightailed it towards the living room.

I found Josh standing in the kitchen eating a fruit cup. I came around the bar and stood there with a Cheshire cat smile on my face.

 He looked and me and said, "What?"

 I said, "noooothiiiiing," all the while trying to think of a creative way to tell him.

 I rounded the kitchen bar and stood in front of him, I grabbed his hand and placed it on my neck and asked if he could feel my pulse.

"Uh, YEAH...? What's up?"

I pulled the test from my pocket and said, "LOOK"

Josh just looked at me, put up his index finger and said "hold on a sec" and tipped back the remainder of the fruit cup.

I thought, "HEY!! LOOK AT THIS! FORGET THE CUP!"

He kept looking at the test, which by now had a definite line but it was still slightly faint. I kept telling him, "This is POSITIVE! The test is POSITIVE!"

Josh was literally beside himself. With our previous pregnancy history, it's incredibly hard to be excited and let our guard down. I understand this defense mechanism completely; however, I couldn't contain my excitement.

 Every 5 minutes or so I'd say, "Hey! Guess what? We're PREGNANT!" It was a fun day! =0) What a NICE surprise!

On a Hope and a Prayer

In the end of December, beginning of January, I called up a fertility Doc that was listed as a preferred provider within the Scottsdale Healthcare Network.  Josh and I were to go together, but he ended up having to work today.  Of course, not wanting to re-schedule (because I wanted to get this show on the road), I made the appointment sans Josh.

I waited in the waiting room for a while, because I was really early (I had no idea where they were located and gave plenty of time to find it), but I was called back into a room.  In this room, I met with the medical assistant who sat me on a table and took my vital signs.  When she was done, I gathered my things and went into a separate room, which I thought was odd being that I was in that room all of a nano second!

It was here that I met with the NP, who interviewed me for a moment and obtained my past medical history.  She had another NP (student) in the room with her, who was doing her clinical rotation for certification, and all she did was look down at her shoes and play footsie with herself (another odd moment).  Again, I gathered my things and went into the ultrasound room.  She told me she wanted to take a look at my ovaries to see how many eggs I had this month.  I questioned her because I was on Clomid, which increases the egg count, which would nullify the 'baseline' evaluation of the eggs that my ovaries are producing that she wanted.

I agreed after she told me how important it was for them to see...

I gathered my things and went into ANOTHER room, waiting for the Dr.

I gathered my things AGAIN and went across the hall to the Dr's office.

It was here that he was looking over all of the records and notes that I brought with me, and began to give me his opinion of the matter at hand... we were trying to get pregnant and have had 3 unsuccessful attempts.  He began explaining all of our evaluations and began talking about what we were facing.  I asked him if I could conference call Josh into the conversation so that I didn't have to try and explain all that he told me (which was TOO MUCH).  He was taken aback but agreed with my request.

Fast-forward to the final diagnosis:  "You more than likely will not be able to get pregnant the 'old fashioned way' because of what I see here", "you will need IVF which 40% of women hold the first attempt, 60% hold the second, and 80% hold the third attempt and carry to full term" and "each IVF attempt is roughly $10,000 + drugs and tests".

I gathered my things and went into his RN's office and spoke with her briefly as I KNEW this was not an option for Josh and I.  I had no questions for her as I was just told some of the WORST news I could have been told.

I can't have a baby?! Ever?!  What is WRONG with me?!?!

I gathered my things again, and went into the financial counsellor's office where the FIRST thing I see are "apply for credit" for this company and if that didn't work, "apply for THIS company".  It felt as if it was all about their financial gain in the worst time of my life.

I had nothing more to ask of anyone so this 'office stop' was also quick.  She went over some other out of pocket costs that I needed to be aware of for further testing (because the Dr. told us that we wasted our time with Dr. 'X' because their lab doesn't 'know how to properly read results') and we needed to repeat a road that was traveled a year prior.
 

I feel defeated... sad... devastated that my dreams of becoming a mommy are somehow fading... and then I saw these.  It was pictures that were on my facebook feed that reminds me that the ultimate physician is Jesus Christ, not the one that I just saw, who told me that I wouldn't be able to have a child without him giving it to me.

What a beautiful reminder...

~Celebrating A New Me~

Beautiful Wheat Field

Life has a way of taking twists and turns, and sometimes a complete 180*, all without our consent.  We certainly aren't any exception to that rule.

With all of the changes I've gone through over the last 7 years or so; losing my home, ending my job with the fire department (which I truly didn't want to leave) and all THAT situation involved (not lacking incredible drama, the local Sheriff Department, and a lie detector test to strengthen and state my allegations are true to my fellow "brothers"), our financial difficulties (which is a whole-nutha-story), and now enduring the final stages of my career change/nursing school endeavors, I KNEW it was inevitable that an ulcer had claimed residency in my stomach that had yet to show it's ugly face.  I've had multiple issues over the past few years, most of which I blamed it on stress, diet, soaps, age, or whatever.  It wasn't until this year that things would eventually come to the point of "I don't care how much it costs, I'm getting this checked!"  Through tear filled eyes, I told my husband that it's one of two organs: My stomach or my pancreas, and I don't know which one it is.

On October 12th (I believe), I visited with one of the GI Nurse Practitioners that I work with.  I told her all about my symptoms and issues, as best I could, in relation to the abdominal pain.  She scheduled me for an EGD with the Dr.  On October 17th, I was admitted for said procedure and spoke with my physician about my symptoms before the anesthesiologist sent me to La-la land. Afterwards, the Dr. came in the recovery area telling us that there was no ulcer and that I have a hiatal hernia, other than that I was normal looking as can be. He told us that he took a biopsy in a random area and the results would be ready in a few days.  Once he left, I felt a little defeated.  I KNOW there is something going on in that area.  I KNOW that it's not an ulcer now.  I KNOW that I have to figure this out ASAP.  What in the world could it be?  A week went by and I ran into the NP at the elevator at work while she was making rounds on patients.  She told me that my results are in and is suggestive that I have Celiac Disease.  She told me that she'd catch up with me in the ICU as she was headed that way and I was going to grab lunch. 

Celiac disease...? What the heck is celiac disease?!?!

I started to look up the info on my phone and immediately found answers to a multitude of symptoms that I've had over the years, but the one thing that I couldn't stop paying attention to was miscarriages and infertility.  Josh and I have been going through numerous tests to find out why we haven't been able to start our family. We've had some answers but we've also been told that there's 'nothing wrong' with us and to 'keep trying'.  This diagnosis lends us so many answers! 



Once I had the opportunity to talk with the NP, she told me there are many issues with false positives and false negatives and that I needed to follow up with a blood test to check for antibodies.  She set me up to get the lab drawn which I had done the following Friday.  On October 24^th, she called me at work and told me that the results were in and that My IgG and IgA antibodies came back positive, but that it’s still not a definitive diagnosis.  She said that this shows that I may be gluten intolerant and not have full blown celiac disease but to know for sure, I would have to have another blood test, a TTG antibody screen.  If this comes back positive, it means that I am genetically predisposed for celiac disease.  On November 13th, my DNA test results were called to me.  Again, it was positive.  By this time, I was already eating gluten free for 3 weeks.  I felt AMAZING!  I had no idea how bad I was feeling until I felt GOOD!!  I had energy, the edema in my hands, face and legs were noticeably gone, the pain in my side was at a minimum, the itchy skin that I had was gone, the tooth sensitivity was gone and I could use my electric tooth brush again... I could go on and on but here's the thing: My Dr. told me that "in every aspect of medicine, be it cardiology, dermatology, endocrinology, psychology... there's a place for CD."  After reviewing this list, I can see that he's right!  Out of that list, I can say that I have dealt with or deal with 73 of these symptoms.  

73!! 

 Well, long story short, my purpose in sharing is this; 

 According to The University of Chicago Celiac Disease Center, today, one in 133 Americans have celiac disease. Because celiac disease runs in families, when someone is diagnosed with celiac disease it is a good idea for other members of the family to be tested to see if they are genetically at risk. If a person is diagnosed with celiac disease, the risk of developing celiac disease is one in 22 for other members of the celiac's immediate family. If your grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin is diagnosed with celiac disease the risk is one in 39.

Celiac disease may lay dormant or it could literally bring your knees to your chest in pain.  With it being genetic, I want my ENTIRE FAMILY to know what I've found out about myself!! I don't want ANYONE to feel like they're crazy like I did, going to my Dr's office for 4 YEARS complaining of abdominal pain without anything even remotely close to a diagnosis!! 
 

Literally, One Month After Diagnosis

I have found this, this, this, and this to be helpful to my Gluten Free ventures.  Some helpful books are this, this, and this. 

~Work In Progress~

God has been consistently tugging on my heart strings for the past few weeks and I've not had the slightest clue as to what it will be about.  It's an unsettled feeling, not in a bad way, just that you know something is changing in you but you can't-quite-put-your-finger-on-it kind of way.  Funny thing, it seems like it all started with my feelings over the whole Chick-fil-a debacle, and has continued because of the political discussions and tidbits that have followed and are posted all over social media websites for all to see on an almost daily basis.

People see things black and white.  I'm not a black and white kind of girl.  I live in a gray area, always have and always will.  Personally, I found that I was getting my feelings hurt by my friends, and some family members for that matter, by some of their postings, which had no regard for their readers and their feelings, that I began to look at myself in a different way.

What are my friends thoughts when they see my Facebook posts?

Are they understanding where I'm coming from because of the fact that they know me personally, or are they coming to a conclusion on their own of what they think I mean?

Are they reading my posts and judging me in a way that I didn't mean to be because I didn't elaborate further?

Do they think I'm judging them because of their views or actions?!?!  (Oh my gosh, no!) 

I began to wonder, what would my heavenly Father think of me by some of the posts that I put out there, when I'm CERTAIN that he wouldn't post the same comments had he have the opportunity to do so?  Am I showing Christ's love the way that I should?  Being a Christian, am I the example that I need to be for Jesus?  Am I bringing people closer to Christ when I appear to others as though I'm unaccepting of them or their views?  Well, thankfully I'm a work in progress and God's not done with me, yet!  I've started to dig deeper into who I am and learn to see and love people the way that Jesus would, regardless of how emotionally charged others around me were and how emotionally caught up I became and carelessly put my own opinions out there. 

Anyway, I attended a women's event at my church a month or so ago and signed up to do a Bible study.  I decided to go with a group who would be studying material from a different author than I'm familiar with, and also have the chance to hang out with my girlfriend from back in high school.  The study is about Nehemiah... completely unrelated to what I've just wrote about but unbelievably related to my here and now.  I'm continually in awe of how God works.  It's amazing how He puts you at a place in your life where He begins His work, stirs it up and little by little adding things such as a bible study or people or even comments on Facebook and other social media sites, to continue to open your eyes and challenge you in a new way.  A way that opens you up for so much more than you could have imagined.  A way that allows you to see things as maybe He would.  All in a way that only He can do!

I'm not saying that I shouldn't be passionate about some of the things that I've expressed these days.  I feel there are important issues at hand and I take my responsibilities very seriously; however, I choose to look outside of myself into the bigger picture and realize that there are more important things to spend my time and efforts on. Jesus says we need to love our neighbors.  That doesn't mean to love them only when they love me back, or have the same religious views, or have the same political views, or have the same color of skin, or sin different than I do.  My passion is being driven in a different direction and I couldn't be more thankful for that. Jesus loves me... and he loves you, too! 

Oh my gosh, I'm beside myself.

I'm ready Lord.  Change me.